Dear Dad.
So its been 2 years. Feels like an eternity. I need you more right now than ever. and I know you need me to be better. I try every day to find a way to let go. I hate Cancer. I hate that it killed you. I hate that it took you away from my kids. I hate that it took you away from Mike. We all miss you so much.
I try to not live with regrets, and the only thing I can think is to appologize for them.
I am sorry that I drove fast as a teenager. I am sorry I didn't believe you about leopards not changing their spots (Boys). I am sorry that I stayed out late and made you worry. I am sorry I quit golf. I am sorry I ran your Honda into the garage. I am sorry that I got rid of Neeko. I am sorry that I moved away from you. I am sorry I didn't drive to Boise and make you go to different doctors sooner. I am sorry I couldn't be with you those last days. I am sorry I wouldn't say it was ok to let go. I am sorry you never got to see Tristan. I am sorry that I haven't been the strong woman that you raised me to be during this.
I was strong because you were by my side every step, every moment of my life. The constant void next to me never goes un noticed. I try to let Mike fill that void. but its not the same. You were the one, that at every bump in the road that said "F%#K EM" For some reason that always made everything better.
I want to go home. I feel you want to go home too. We were better there.
Yesterday I heard a mother say to her 5 year old son, "I love you more than you'll ever know"
It made me step back and think how true that statement is.. When you are a child you have NO IDEA how much your parents really loved you. I know now how much you loved me. I hope you know how much I loved you. Its more than you'll ever know. I miss you so much. I want you back. You were my best friend. A great father, and a great man. No one will ever know what you meant to me. I love you Dad.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Anxiously Awaiting
Just a small post- I have one and a half days left till a 12 day vacation and I CAN NOT WAIT!!
Mainly because on Sunday we are taking the kids to a secluded cabin at Wallowa Lake for 4 days. No family, no tv, no BODY but us. We've never done this. Its always been chaos visiting family and such. This will be the first "just my family moment" with very little distraction!!!
I can not wait......... It sounds like pure bliss.
Stay tuned. :)
Mainly because on Sunday we are taking the kids to a secluded cabin at Wallowa Lake for 4 days. No family, no tv, no BODY but us. We've never done this. Its always been chaos visiting family and such. This will be the first "just my family moment" with very little distraction!!!
I can not wait......... It sounds like pure bliss.
Stay tuned. :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Goldilocks said Someone's Been Sleeping in My Bed!
Oy! that's right. A bear. A big Bear.
So 22 months we made it with no real co-sleeping to speak of. (only because it took us about 4 years to get Delaney OUT of our bed) Of course Tristan slept a few hours here and there when he was an infant. But pretty much since 6 months old he's been in his own bed.
Over the last few weeks, he keeps "popping up" next to me. 4,5,6 am.
Last night he came in at 3:00. He gets out of bed, tip toes down the hall, binky and woobie in tow. Climbs the stairs into our bed, pulls back the sheets and snuggles up next to us. I laid there thinking, how did we end up here. all the sudden every night its a little more time he's in bed with us. I can't really say I didn't enjoy my little boy snuggling for 3 hours till he finally fell back hard asleep and scooted over by daddy.
I guess one day he'll be too big and won't want to snuggle with mama anymore.
So 22 months we made it with no real co-sleeping to speak of. (only because it took us about 4 years to get Delaney OUT of our bed) Of course Tristan slept a few hours here and there when he was an infant. But pretty much since 6 months old he's been in his own bed.
Over the last few weeks, he keeps "popping up" next to me. 4,5,6 am.
Last night he came in at 3:00. He gets out of bed, tip toes down the hall, binky and woobie in tow. Climbs the stairs into our bed, pulls back the sheets and snuggles up next to us. I laid there thinking, how did we end up here. all the sudden every night its a little more time he's in bed with us. I can't really say I didn't enjoy my little boy snuggling for 3 hours till he finally fell back hard asleep and scooted over by daddy.
I guess one day he'll be too big and won't want to snuggle with mama anymore.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Bittersweet Day
So. I've been gone awhile. I'm back. I need my outlet.
8 years ago today was the best day of my life. It was Perfect. I had over 200 friends and family watch me marry the man of my dream. Wow! When I look back what a ride! I can't believe it's been 8 years. The life changes we've been through have just been amazing. Most so happy and profound, and some gut-wrenching. But we've made it through. We've had 2 of the most beautiful children on the face of the planet and I couldn't ask for anymore in my dream for a family.
Today I am trying my hardest to be joyfull for the meaning of the day! I am married to a wonderful man and father. Yet, like every other special occasion I can't help but notice who's missing. 8 years ago today was the day that I stood between the 2 men in my life, the day I went from my Daddy's little girl and became Mike's wife. 8 years ago was the last time I danced with my father. I remember it like it was yesterday. Beautiful, simple, carefree, and a huge world ahead of us. I've gone back and watched the video, to hear not only his advise to us, but just to hear his voice.
The last 2 years have been the hardest. It was all cake walk before then. We all know that my dad passed away almost 2 years ago, and it seems everything has been downhill since then. Our friends and family try to encourage us that things will get better, and I know they will, we just don't know when. As Mike pursues job opportunities it will be interesting to see what direction life sends us in.
We keep hearing the quote "God leads you to it and He'll lead you through it"
This struck home yesterday as I got a text from Mike that said "Come on God, you can do it" That litterally brought tears to my eyes.
I try to tell myself the roads ahead are open. I went to visit my dad today in his "niche in the wall". Tried to get guidance on what path to take. I had my moment and now I will move on withe the rest of my day. Upon returning to my office, my awesome husband and adorable kids were there waiting for me with a huge bouquet of flowers. :)
I am blessed beyond belief by my husband and my children. Its time to start a new chapter. Look out world right.
8 years ago today was the best day of my life. It was Perfect. I had over 200 friends and family watch me marry the man of my dream. Wow! When I look back what a ride! I can't believe it's been 8 years. The life changes we've been through have just been amazing. Most so happy and profound, and some gut-wrenching. But we've made it through. We've had 2 of the most beautiful children on the face of the planet and I couldn't ask for anymore in my dream for a family.
Today I am trying my hardest to be joyfull for the meaning of the day! I am married to a wonderful man and father. Yet, like every other special occasion I can't help but notice who's missing. 8 years ago today was the day that I stood between the 2 men in my life, the day I went from my Daddy's little girl and became Mike's wife. 8 years ago was the last time I danced with my father. I remember it like it was yesterday. Beautiful, simple, carefree, and a huge world ahead of us. I've gone back and watched the video, to hear not only his advise to us, but just to hear his voice.
The last 2 years have been the hardest. It was all cake walk before then. We all know that my dad passed away almost 2 years ago, and it seems everything has been downhill since then. Our friends and family try to encourage us that things will get better, and I know they will, we just don't know when. As Mike pursues job opportunities it will be interesting to see what direction life sends us in.
We keep hearing the quote "God leads you to it and He'll lead you through it"
This struck home yesterday as I got a text from Mike that said "Come on God, you can do it" That litterally brought tears to my eyes.
I try to tell myself the roads ahead are open. I went to visit my dad today in his "niche in the wall". Tried to get guidance on what path to take. I had my moment and now I will move on withe the rest of my day. Upon returning to my office, my awesome husband and adorable kids were there waiting for me with a huge bouquet of flowers. :)
I am blessed beyond belief by my husband and my children. Its time to start a new chapter. Look out world right.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
WOW Time Flies
Is it possible for life to pass you by. Why can't we tell ourselves, you're never gonna get this moment back. I feel somewhat robbed of the last year of my life, of my kids' lives, robbed of the Dad that I need so desperately
Tristan will be 8 months old next week. What???
My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago, quite possible one of the hardest days of my life. Not sure why... just wasn't prepared for what it was going to feel like hearing the date, June 15th, all day long, constantly grabbing the phone to call and wish him a happy birthday, only to hear "the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service..."
We went to the cemetary and took him fresh cut roses from our garden. We had to run from the sprinklers, it was just me and the kids. Delaney layed the roses by his name and we sang happy birthday, with a lump in the throat. D and I both teared... when we dodged the sprinklers to get back to car the, my precious little girl lifted her hand to her face and yelled back toward the memory wall "POPPY I MISS YOU" Talk about heartbreaking.
The other holidays were not as hard. We had little T to fuss over and keeping us up at night that it seemed alot easier.
Lately I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. This being in charge of his matters and estate is exhausting. I need to it be OVER!!! I can't take it anymore. I am losing my mind, and missing out on my family. Something has got to give!! I have turned my own life into absolute shambles.
I feel so blessed at the same time that I have such wonderful family on Mike's side that totally accept me as their own. But no one will replace him. I miss him so much. I hate that he was taken from me and Mike and my kids. My brother and sister, and me, we need him more than ever. I know God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason, but really, what was the reason.... I am still waiting for that to be clear.
Just had a lot to get off my chest I guess. Feeling empty. I miss you Dad and love you more than life itself.
Tristan will be 8 months old next week. What???
My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago, quite possible one of the hardest days of my life. Not sure why... just wasn't prepared for what it was going to feel like hearing the date, June 15th, all day long, constantly grabbing the phone to call and wish him a happy birthday, only to hear "the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service..."
We went to the cemetary and took him fresh cut roses from our garden. We had to run from the sprinklers, it was just me and the kids. Delaney layed the roses by his name and we sang happy birthday, with a lump in the throat. D and I both teared... when we dodged the sprinklers to get back to car the, my precious little girl lifted her hand to her face and yelled back toward the memory wall "POPPY I MISS YOU" Talk about heartbreaking.
The other holidays were not as hard. We had little T to fuss over and keeping us up at night that it seemed alot easier.
Lately I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. This being in charge of his matters and estate is exhausting. I need to it be OVER!!! I can't take it anymore. I am losing my mind, and missing out on my family. Something has got to give!! I have turned my own life into absolute shambles.
I feel so blessed at the same time that I have such wonderful family on Mike's side that totally accept me as their own. But no one will replace him. I miss him so much. I hate that he was taken from me and Mike and my kids. My brother and sister, and me, we need him more than ever. I know God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason, but really, what was the reason.... I am still waiting for that to be clear.
Just had a lot to get off my chest I guess. Feeling empty. I miss you Dad and love you more than life itself.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I really want to win...
The lottery. My life would be PERFECT if I didn't have debt and bills! I have the best Husband, best kids ever, and a perfect-for-me house, perfect-for-me car, perfect job, perfect little life...
But theres this whole other side I hate called "Reality of being an adult"
I remember my parents talking about this....
You guessed it, today was payday...and that was shortlived, I watched in walk in- and walk RIGHT back out of my checkbook! Booo!!!
I don't want to be a millionaire by any means, just want enough to pay the debts I have and work just for entertainment and to do fun things with my kids.
I guess I will just keep buying tickets and praying... pathetic I know.
But theres this whole other side I hate called "Reality of being an adult"
I remember my parents talking about this....
You guessed it, today was payday...and that was shortlived, I watched in walk in- and walk RIGHT back out of my checkbook! Booo!!!
I don't want to be a millionaire by any means, just want enough to pay the debts I have and work just for entertainment and to do fun things with my kids.
I guess I will just keep buying tickets and praying... pathetic I know.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Remember that minute
That I spoke of in my first post...I really need it today.
Just one more minute with my Dad...
Today I am having a hard time with it all. I've been sitting here at my desk in tears several times, trying to keep from choking. No idea why, nothing in particular has happened.
I just miss him, terribly....
I think maybe its finally hitting me that he's actually gone, and never coming back. the juvenile side of me has firmly believed one day he would just appear and this was all a really bad dream....
Just one more minute with my Dad...
Today I am having a hard time with it all. I've been sitting here at my desk in tears several times, trying to keep from choking. No idea why, nothing in particular has happened.
I just miss him, terribly....
I think maybe its finally hitting me that he's actually gone, and never coming back. the juvenile side of me has firmly believed one day he would just appear and this was all a really bad dream....
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