Is it possible for life to pass you by. Why can't we tell ourselves, you're never gonna get this moment back. I feel somewhat robbed of the last year of my life, of my kids' lives, robbed of the Dad that I need so desperately
Tristan will be 8 months old next week. What???
My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago, quite possible one of the hardest days of my life. Not sure why... just wasn't prepared for what it was going to feel like hearing the date, June 15th, all day long, constantly grabbing the phone to call and wish him a happy birthday, only to hear "the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service..."
We went to the cemetary and took him fresh cut roses from our garden. We had to run from the sprinklers, it was just me and the kids. Delaney layed the roses by his name and we sang happy birthday, with a lump in the throat. D and I both teared... when we dodged the sprinklers to get back to car the, my precious little girl lifted her hand to her face and yelled back toward the memory wall "POPPY I MISS YOU" Talk about heartbreaking.
The other holidays were not as hard. We had little T to fuss over and keeping us up at night that it seemed alot easier.
Lately I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. This being in charge of his matters and estate is exhausting. I need to it be OVER!!! I can't take it anymore. I am losing my mind, and missing out on my family. Something has got to give!! I have turned my own life into absolute shambles.
I feel so blessed at the same time that I have such wonderful family on Mike's side that totally accept me as their own. But no one will replace him. I miss him so much. I hate that he was taken from me and Mike and my kids. My brother and sister, and me, we need him more than ever. I know God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason, but really, what was the reason.... I am still waiting for that to be clear.
Just had a lot to get off my chest I guess. Feeling empty. I miss you Dad and love you more than life itself.
