WOW Time Flies

Is it possible for life to pass you by. Why can't we tell ourselves, you're never gonna get this moment back. I feel somewhat robbed of the last year of my life, of my kids' lives, robbed of the Dad that I need so desperately

Tristan will be 8 months old next week. What???

My dad's birthday was a few weeks ago, quite possible one of the hardest days of my life. Not sure why... just wasn't prepared for what it was going to feel like hearing the date, June 15th, all day long, constantly grabbing the phone to call and wish him a happy birthday, only to hear "the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service..."
We went to the cemetary and took him fresh cut roses from our garden. We had to run from the sprinklers, it was just me and the kids. Delaney layed the roses by his name and we sang happy birthday, with a lump in the throat. D and I both teared... when we dodged the sprinklers to get back to car the, my precious little girl lifted her hand to her face and yelled back toward the memory wall "POPPY I MISS YOU" Talk about heartbreaking.

The other holidays were not as hard. We had little T to fuss over and keeping us up at night that it seemed alot easier.

Lately I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. This being in charge of his matters and estate is exhausting. I need to it be OVER!!! I can't take it anymore. I am losing my mind, and missing out on my family. Something has got to give!! I have turned my own life into absolute shambles.

I feel so blessed at the same time that I have such wonderful family on Mike's side that totally accept me as their own. But no one will replace him. I miss him so much. I hate that he was taken from me and Mike and my kids. My brother and sister, and me, we need him more than ever. I know God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason, but really, what was the reason.... I am still waiting for that to be clear.

Just had a lot to get off my chest I guess. Feeling empty. I miss you Dad and love you more than life itself.

I really want to win...

The lottery. My life would be PERFECT if I didn't have debt and bills! I have the best Husband, best kids ever, and a perfect-for-me house, perfect-for-me car, perfect job, perfect little life...

But theres this whole other side I hate called "Reality of being an adult"
I remember my parents talking about this....

You guessed it, today was payday...and that was shortlived, I watched in walk in- and walk RIGHT back out of my checkbook! Booo!!!

I don't want to be a millionaire by any means, just want enough to pay the debts I have and work just for entertainment and to do fun things with my kids.

I guess I will just keep buying tickets and praying... pathetic I know.

Remember that minute

That I spoke of in my first post...I really need it today.

Just one more minute with my Dad...

Today I am having a hard time with it all. I've been sitting here at my desk in tears several times, trying to keep from choking. No idea why, nothing in particular has happened.

I just miss him, terribly....

I think maybe its finally hitting me that he's actually gone, and never coming back. the juvenile side of me has firmly believed one day he would just appear and this was all a really bad dream....

Why can't my brain be a memory stick..

While I think I have a really great memory, its the most important things in life I can't seem to pull out of mothballs...

Last night at 1:32 am I was feeding Tristan laying in bed. He is the sweetest baby ever, and had his little hands linked, as if he was praying and was just nursing away... While I normally am begging to go back to sleep, I just layed there staring at his precious face and those little hands... I just started praying myself... "God please let me remember this moment forever"

Its not one of those moments you have a camera near by, ya know.

I am sure I had a million moments like that with Delaney and I just can't seem to remember how it all felt and looked. I would give anything to have those memories back, and now I am afraid I won't remember how Tristan looks, feels, and smells. It is not only bittersweet, but somewhat heartbreaking...